Setting boundaries
⏬ We want to be loved, to be important, and to matter; therefore, we often go the extra mile for people to like us. We desperately need people to like us. And we had developed this idea consciously or unconsciously that for people to like us, we need to please them. We got it mostly from trial and error as we grew up, testing what works and what doesn’t. Like when we used to play with our toys when still babies, playing with our friends at school or when at home dealing with our parents and siblings. We notice that when we do what they want or ask us, they like us; when we don’t, we get their disdain, disapproval, and in our heads, their dislike.
And we’re afraid that such dislike is permanent, so we tend to “fix it” very rapidly and in a way that their liking of us is back.
According to human behavior experts, a big part of our construction happens during early ages, so it’s no surprise that we carry this trait throughout our lives.
We keep pleasing people along the way, so they like us. We do almost all it takes, very often to the detriment of ourselves, our lives, our families, or our interests. How often did you say yes to helping a friend or acquaintance and had to change your daily schedule too much of your regret? And later, you stop and think, “Why did I say yes”?
✅ To protect yourself from abusing relationships, you need to set boundaries. You need to draw a line between help, support, friendship, and manipulation in the name of friendship or relationship.
✅ Those who are genuinely your friends and like you or are in a relationship with you should be there for who you are, not for what you represent for their interests. And it doesn’t mean you refuse to help, support, or be there for them, but they must equally know when they push too far and get selfish.
✅ Often, we’re partners in crime, and we’re the ones that get people used to our favors and reliable availability at all times. It’s, therefore, up to us to make it clear when, why, or how we can help in a moment, but it doesn’t mean it will always be. And excuses be gone; you shouldn’t need to excuse yourself or apologize if you’re unable to help, although you can remain empathic and compassionate. Don’t revert the roles of who’s asking and who should be in debt in some way.
⏩ Real friends and people who genuinely care for us would respect our space and lives and won’t challenge our limits recurrently. Those who do, we must let them know it, politely but firmly, and if they turn their backs, you won’t lose a friend or an acquaintance; you’ll lose someone who was just there for what you could represent for them and not genuinely for the sake of your friendship/relationship.
